2018 rewind

let me tell you what happened to me in 2018.
to start it off, i didnt really enjoy anything that happened to me in 2018. it didnt start off well. forgive me for i longer have pristine memory because i gave up my life to depression, but ill try my best to recall important parts of maybe one the worst year of my life.
okay, the first thing i could remember was, i started wearing a hijab on a regular basis. but, ever since i did that, the depression gotten way worse than its ever been; and i know why. God is testing me. every bad thing that happened to me was God's way of telling me that God loves me. even though i know that, depression still got the best of me. just because i know why im like this, it doesnt mean that i would be cured instantly. everything has a process, it takes time, effort and commitment.

okay, im gonna say okay alot. okay, i remember a psychiatrist once told me that i shouldnt have too many goals. because if theres too much, it just became a burden, not something i need finishing and in the end i would ended up with nothing. i never plan my life or anything ever since. i thought that with no goal at all, ill be just fine. and as usual, i was wrong. i, you, we need goals. but not too much. so, that accidentally led me handing over my life to depression. i sort of gave depression the full control, without me knowing and only realizing it late. i didnt like it of course, but i just cant help it. i dont like to lead. i never liked it. even though since high school, i always volunteer myself to be a class chairman; i did that so that teachers would know me and i would get extra credit. not because i want it. having control over something other than my life kinda feels nice, thats why i did it. but, just because i kept doing it, it doesnt mean that i like it, that is a lesson for you. and mine would be, dont do anything you are not. always remember what snoop dog said, "who could be you but you?"
okay back to the topic. so, having someone or something taking control of my life, made me feel at ease. so i dont have to plan anything, i just do what depression tell me to do. sorta like stockholm syndrome and toxic relationship; you didnt like it but after having it for too long, you kinda miss it and couldnt live your life without it even though its hurting you bad

i had everything back then, i still have most of it now, of course. me and my family live healthy and well, i live under a more than adequate roof, i could go to college, got good grades, my parents could pay the tuition, the fridge is always stocked with food and have a boyfriend, awesome friends and everything. i should be grateful of it but why am i depressed tho?
okay i am grateful of it, but somehow, i just cant express it. i cant feel it. and its because depression has turned my heart into this ugly cold black heart. this, i think, would only happened if you didnt seek medical help or any help. you would find yourself became something you never want to be. i went to a therapy, once, in 2016; but my family did not approve it. so, i never come back. and i also didnt buy the meds that the psychiatrist told me to buy. and look at me now. all depressed and shit. now, im gradually losing those things because of depression. i broke up due to over thinking, my grades are no longer that good due to the extreme procrastination, almost loose my friends due to my anxiety, and losing my once healthy bod due to the laziness. i once had a two pack, now no pack, just fat.

so, kids, get help. get any help you can get. if you dont have money, you can talk to your family, friends, stranger or anyone but be very careful. you gotta talk to the right person. telling your problems to someone who dont know how to listen is a total waste of time. trust me, ive been there. they dont always have to be someone who went through the same thing as you did. they just have to listen. when youre venting, you dont always get a solution or a way to fix your problem right away and that's okay. because the only one that could fix it is you. all you need is support. okay, i actually always get solutions for my problems right away; but, i dont have the ability to fix it yet. like i know what i should do, but i dont wanna do it because im still scared blablabla. i need someone to guide me, tell me what my next move is. constantly. that is the biggest issue that i currently have. because the real me is locked somewhere by depression, i cant do it by myself. its like my mind and my soul now are not in sync. i have the will, the reasons, ideas; but i dont have the manpower yet. that is what im facing right now. so, if someone is going through the same thing as i am, GO. GET. HELP. i cant help you, not yet. because right now, i also need help. thats why im writing this thing. it sorta helped. 

so, my enemy right now is commitment. i didnt really commit myself to everything that i did this year and the result could affect my future. now, i know what i should do, start planning and exercising. because i am desperately in need of endorphins aka positive vibe. i actually had been exercising, but stopped because i forgot to do it. and praying as well. dear God, forgive me for not being a good servant; and thank you for always giving me a chance to be better. okay, so praying, planning, exercising; i gotta do all those things before new years. i know i could do this, but i need support. so can you support me? pls. comment down below if youre going through the same thing or you just wanna comment. feel free to do anything. ;).

theres actually a lot happened to me in 2018 but i wanna keep short because its late, and i need sleep. so i only gave you guys important parts that has happened to me this year. thank you, i hope this could help me and you, whoever it is thats reading this.

love,
prat